more ramblings.

well, must admit i've got nothing worthwhile to update on. life is as shitty as ever.

well, not really. i mean, life was going really well there for a while. i just got sick and tired of being down all the time and now i'm like... gah. i guess trying to hide it doesn't really help. stuff with my mom isn't bad anymore but stuff with friends is. i cut again last night which was really stupid but i guess in some ways i feel like no one likes me best. like, i'm not top in anyone's book and like that's the stupidest most irrational thought ever and i know that. like, just because your friends have stuff going on doesn't mean they don't like you best. i just need to take a damn chill pill and calm the fuck down.
but, it's hard sometimes, i guess. i don't know what's wrong with me. i wish it was something i could easily fix. but, like it's not the cutting that is the problem, you know? like, i'll just come up with something else if i don't cut. i need to think about WHY i'm cutting. and deal with that.
sounds SO EASY when put that way.
well, it's not.
for what feels like the first time - i really have no idea what's wrong with me. like, usually i have this feeling of knowing what's wrong - i just don't want to admit it to myself.... but this time i'm really lost. and it's like there's not a whole lot i can do about it. that was stupid to type. of course there is. i'm just not deleting it because.....i don't know. but, of course there is something i can do. people get over this kind of thing all the time.
sigh.
ah well.
much love.